Happy New Year, have some self doubt

I read a lot, maybe not the stuff I should read like more Jeanette Winterson and other good novels, but stuff like the recent blog posts by various and assorted entrepreneurial types. You know the guys that say things like “I make a six figure income, and let me teach you how. You can do it if you buy my book for only 2 payments of $29.99!” I get sucked in by the “Rah! Rah! Rah!” tone of their blogs and the implied chant of “You can dooooo it!”

I end up printing a copy of what they claim is their most recent book, but its really a 30 page introduction to their book that ends with 5 pages of why I should buy their book. The entire 30 page diatribe is about what the book will contain. Things like I will learn “How to find out if your passion can make ends meet” and “How to be a career changer.” The text is invariably filled with buzzwords stolen from other entrepreneurial writers, most who are many times better than the one who’s text I’m currently reading. Additionally they will mention, repeatedly that you can “leverage social media to do your marketing.” Throughout the whole thing I groan at the schlocky writing, the Rah! Rah! Rah! tone, the blatant theft of other people’s ideas, and the insane over use of buzzwords.

Yet I read along, because YES! I want to leave my DayJob, and if this guy who can’t edit his own writing (15 pages with 10 typos, not to mention the glaring errors in grammar) and lifts ideas from others can do it, well, damn it, so can I!

It also brings to the forefront of my mind that as I sit here and tap away on my keyboard traps that I do not want to fall into in my book. I don’t want that Rah! Rah! Rah! tone in my book nor do I want to seem to shout “You can dooooo it!”  Shit, I’m still half way there. I still have my DayJob, the closer I get to asking for that sabbatical the more frightened I get of not having a tether to reality, a paycheck, and health insurance.

I think that what these entrepreneurial books (if you can even call a 30 page pdf a book) lack is that real sense of fear. I feel like I’m leaving a blood trail for the next predator to come along; and pretty soon the bank will take my house, Nissan will come after my car, and the state will fine me for not having health insurance. While none of these are likely to come to pass, the fact remains that these are the worries that I have, and I’m sure they are the worries that others have as well. I’m not going to tell you that these are worries I’m able to squash down, these live in the forefront of my mind, constant nagging and painful.

In my mind I also have a choir of people singing, “You can’t make this work.” “You will fail.” “You will be miserable.” That’s real folks. That’s the reality of what is going on in my head. I worry, it’s what we type A personalities do.  Add to that the unknown of job prospects for my significant other and well, it’s a recipe for anxiety.

With all that being said there is a lot of positive going on too. I’ve got a lot of ideas for classes, things to do with AJ Ning, we’re working hard on the zine; and then I’ve got this whole book idea. I’ve got all this positive going on and the chorus still goes on in my head and my inner critic still tells me that I suck.

The whole point of this emo post is that I hope that I keep the book real, add parts where I write about my crushing self doubt, my appalling lack of clarity, and my inability to move forward. All that is what is real, not just the “Rah! Rah! Rah!” and the “You can dooooo it!”