The
next part of self doubt, or the recurring refrain I hear in my head is,
“How will I screw this up? How will I subvert this from reaching
success?” You see, I believe I have a history of screwing up the things
that should work, or so I tell myself. I tell myself that I find these
ways of hijacking myself so even if I finish a piece or find my way to
success I won’t actually achieve success, instead, I’ll be left
disappointed looking at success, so close yet outside of my grasp,
achievable but not.

These
are incredibly destructive thoughts, especially when kept in the dark. I
know my initial reaction when thinking and feeling like this is to not
share that I feel, well, vulnerable. When I boil it down and really look
at these destructive thoughts I realize that when I’m working on a
successful piece, getting good news, or anything else good those good
feelings are delicate and unstable. Especially when I’m first getting
them established. In a way I think self doubt comes from a protective
instinct, a place where we want to protect those oh so delicate feelings
of success from the possibility of failure. At some point something
happens and makes those protective feelings turn inward and they become
destructive.

At
that point I shut down, declare that I’m in a rut and feel as if I’ll
never get out. Why work on fresh art when I’ll just screw it up anyway?

It’s up to me to break that cycle, no one can do it for me. I have to decide, “Hey, I can do this.” Then I have to do it. (Some external positivity helps, so give someone props on stuff you see online, comment on a blog post, or flickr upload. Spread love.)

This is the 4th art journal page I've created exploring self doubt.

I forgot to shoot pictures of it as I was working and I feel it isn't finished. It needs something undefinably "more." I'm not sure exactly what it needs but I'll figure it out eventually.

This is the 3rd page in a series where I explore self doubt.

In
keeping with the goal and theme of these pieces I started by writing a
journal page. This time I used a vermillion watercolor pencil. I pressed
into the paper harder in some areas and lighter in others. Overall I
tried to keep a stream of consciousness method of writing as I
considered the various issues connected with self doubt.

Heart
and mind continued to be a theme with this writing but this writing
focused more on the heart aspect. To blur and blend the color I added
water to the page with a large wet brush. As the color moved around the
page I saw 3 darker areas. I created 3 darker circles of darker red in
these areas. I then allowed the page to dry naturally. I chose a
photocopy of my heart image and used a Chartpak blender marker to
transfer the image to the dried watercolored page. I then layered
various shades of blue colored pencils around the heart, as if radiating
out. The radiating lines stopped and I used watercolors to highlight
and illuminate one of the remaining red circles. the writing is still
visible in the illuminated area.



I
wanted the area around the blue to be darker so I layered some liquid
watercolor over the top of the colored pencil. I used a paper towel to
remove the excess. An interesting thing happened, in the areas where the
writing hadn’t dissolved fully the colored pencil lifted off. Leave me
with the texture of the writing being visible through the radiating
lines. It’s an interesting happy accident, I’ve often said that writing
will illuminate and lift up the darker parts of our mind and heart, and
here by accident that occurred.

The image measures 5×7 inches and is available on my etsy shop here.

This is the second in a series of images exploring self-doubt.

This
image started as the last with some journaling, written with a
noodler’s Ahab flex nibbed fountain pen. I focused my writing on the
self doubt surrounding the “big thing” that I have coming up*, hopefully
in May. I also wrote about how the impending change is affecting my
feelings around how people will perceive me. I worry that people will
think that my work is inauthentic.

As
I wrote I came to the conclusion that as long as my work is from the
heart and my mind that the work will be authentic no matter the content
or direction I explore.

I
blurred the writing with water. I decided to be literal with my images
and colored photocopies of a heart and brain with watercolors. When
these were dry I cut them out and glued them to the page. I added layers
of color around the 2 collaged pieces with colored pencils and
watersoluble crayons.

I
took one of my sheep stickers colored it black and stuck it in the
middle of the brain. A rather literal representation of sheep brain. I
also added a tea tag to the heart. I added a few more colors, picked out
the yellow crayon to get the color a little more intense and added some
white crayon between the blue rays.

The image measures 5×7 inches and is available on my etsy shop here.

Continue reading →

A little more on this self-doubt thing.

I
could trace it back and say that it’s because of this “big thing” i
have dangling over my head, or I could trace it origins back to my
Chipin campaign. It went well. I was way behind schedule due to a death
in my family but it went well. But the whole thing, the whole time, I
thought I was going to screw it up. I put myself out there and was well
received. Through all of that I figured that I would in some way screw
it up. I’d do something that would foul up the works. I’d screw up a
piece of art, send one to the wrong address, or something else.

I finished everything and sent it on it’s merry way.

Still that nagging voice of self doubt, different from my inner critic said over and over, “This won’t work, you will fail.”

I
think we all have that voice of self-doubt in our mind. Maybe it’s the
inner critic, or the voice of a parent, a teacher or co-worker. Someone
has given voice to our doubt, and that voice sticks in our mind. It
plays on repeat, over and over and over again, until we figure out that
the little orange circled arrow thingy on our iP0d is what is making
that song play again and again.

the
real question I have to ask myself, and you possibly need to ask
yourself, is. how do I stop that loop? What can I change? What can I say
or tell myself?

The
thing is I know that even with work my self doubt will never go away.
It will diminish, but I have to give myself time and put forth effort to
quiet the voice of doubt.

This
is my first piece in my series of images based around self-doubt. I
started by writing a journal entry about my self doubt. I then washed
over it with a large watercolor brush and clear water. This blurred and
moved the water soluble ink around the page. I used a watercolor pencil
to add a border around the edge.

I
made some copies of a self-portrait I’d made for my JF365 Challenge. I
colored them all one color with liquid watercolors. I glued these down
then added a piece of washi tape I’d colored yellow over the black and
white stripes. The face represent myself and the warning tape represents
a feeling of danger. The sheep represents what I call sheep brain. I
layered in some gelatin printed paper and a tea tag.

I added colors and lines radiating out from the sheep to show the influence of sheep brain on my thoughts.

I intended to take more progress shots as I worked but got caught up in the process of journaling.

The image measures 5×7 inches and is available on my etsy shop here.

Can I be honest here for a minute?

Well, I’m going to be, even if you said no. Isn’t that why you read my endless diatribes?

😉

I’ve been harboring an avalanche of self-doubt lately.

I
threw myself out there for something that I STILL can’t tell you about,
at least not for the next few weeks. The waiting game for knowing if it
will happen, or not, has taken it’s toll on my head. I’m questioning
everything now. Is this right? Is this wrong? Should I post that picture
of the page in my art journal that uses the word fuck? Or is it okay
because it’s a found line?* Do I need to be careful with what I write
here, because, you know, people are watching.**

Then
I had this crazy wonderful idea for a project that will kick off this
new thing I’ve been waiting on and the self-doubt has crept into that
too. Should I do it? Will people find it fake/inauthentic? Will people
make fun of me? Will it crash down around my ears in flames? Will I
suck? What will happen if it doesn’t work out?

This
doubting of everything is stunting the progress I’ve been making in my
art journal. The JF365 challenge has been huge for me, it uses a method
I’m familiar with and it’s been forcing me to explore topics I’ve
previously explored and look at them in new ways. But this doubt, man,
it’s the pits.

This
grand idea I had, the doubt is making me consider if I can do it. It’s
making me feel like I will fail, no matter what I do. No matter how I
try to reframe the doubts into a positive dialog it’s rough and my
brain, after allowing the doubt to seep in and fill all the crevices of
my noggin is freezing up and breaking apart the concrete of my resolve
to make my crazy idea work.

The
truth is I’ve allowed the self doubt to worm it’s way in and it’s up to
me to warm up and get it out of my head so I can move on with my art
and my crazy idea.

This post is the first is what I hope is many that is starting an open and honest dialog with you and myself.

Continue reading →